http://youtu.be/HGxY_F9waAU
This video brings up a good question of when you should teach children life lessons such as working for what you have and respect for yourself and others. The simple answer is - as soon as they start asserting independence, which is typical in the toddler stage. I often say that the adolescent stage is toddlerhood revisited, only with more verbiage!
When parents have realistic expectations and freedoms/ways to assert independence, within firm boundaries, from the beginning there is a higher likelihood that the teen years will be less of a power struggle because they have already had years of proof that their parents will allow them independence inside certain boundaries. How do you know what realistic expectations are? A good place to start is understanding typical development (look at the pages under each area of development on this site for children under three) and then knowing your child. For instance, most one year olds can help put away toys they brought out by placing them a couple toys in a bucket or bin when asked. It would be a realistic expectation for you to have your child do this at certain points of the day. When the child asserts independence and says no (this will most likely take place around two years-old), you have to stick with the boundary and expectation that it is their responsibility. Use words such as respect and responsibility. This will add to their growing sense of vocabulary.
I think it is also important to try to empathize with the child, of any age, when asserting a boundary with discipline. In continuation of the above statement this would involve firmly telling the child, "It is your responsibility to clean up what you were working on. I see that you don't want to, but you will not be able to do anything else until you help clean up." Then follow through with that statement, even if that means sitting them down (gently without giving an emotional response - this is highly important) in one area over and over again until they do as you have asked. The statement validates their feelings but also let's them know that they still have to do what is expected.
With the video example I think the father could have done a better job at coming at this with empathy and explanation, trying to validate some feelings his daughter has. You can get way further with children when they know that they have been understood. Just because you validate their feelings does not mean that you are giving into them and letting them have their way. There is a balance! The father probably could have used this as yet another learning opportunity to show the girl how good she had it by first starting with, "I hear you, you think you are over-worked and you have no freedoms. Let's take a look at what adult life is like and what I do to work for our family in and out of the household. Would you like to trade roles? Let's look at other children who have no choice but to work in and out of the home (and their money goes to household bills). So really you should be very thankful of your life and stop focusing on what you do not like about it. The whole family has to work together to function. It is your role to help with responsibilities, such as putting away the dishes. That role helps me fulfill my role of preparing you for true responsibilities of living on your own." With this approach the daughter has less room to say that her father just does not listen; the tactic is showing them that you do understand what they are going through (let's face it we all went through a similar phase) and then explaining why you disagree with them.
This video also takes us back to the post on discipline vs punishment. I would say, since the father is trying to teach the child a hard life lesson, that shooting the laptop in this case is discipline. Yes, it probably could have been handled a little more respectfully by the father but there is nothing wrong with expecting your teen to work for some of their wants, or to work to help the family. In fact, I think these life lessons should start in the early years within the constraints of what a child can handle developmentally.
What are your thoughts on this?
This video brings up a good question of when you should teach children life lessons such as working for what you have and respect for yourself and others. The simple answer is - as soon as they start asserting independence, which is typical in the toddler stage. I often say that the adolescent stage is toddlerhood revisited, only with more verbiage!
When parents have realistic expectations and freedoms/ways to assert independence, within firm boundaries, from the beginning there is a higher likelihood that the teen years will be less of a power struggle because they have already had years of proof that their parents will allow them independence inside certain boundaries. How do you know what realistic expectations are? A good place to start is understanding typical development (look at the pages under each area of development on this site for children under three) and then knowing your child. For instance, most one year olds can help put away toys they brought out by placing them a couple toys in a bucket or bin when asked. It would be a realistic expectation for you to have your child do this at certain points of the day. When the child asserts independence and says no (this will most likely take place around two years-old), you have to stick with the boundary and expectation that it is their responsibility. Use words such as respect and responsibility. This will add to their growing sense of vocabulary.
I think it is also important to try to empathize with the child, of any age, when asserting a boundary with discipline. In continuation of the above statement this would involve firmly telling the child, "It is your responsibility to clean up what you were working on. I see that you don't want to, but you will not be able to do anything else until you help clean up." Then follow through with that statement, even if that means sitting them down (gently without giving an emotional response - this is highly important) in one area over and over again until they do as you have asked. The statement validates their feelings but also let's them know that they still have to do what is expected.
With the video example I think the father could have done a better job at coming at this with empathy and explanation, trying to validate some feelings his daughter has. You can get way further with children when they know that they have been understood. Just because you validate their feelings does not mean that you are giving into them and letting them have their way. There is a balance! The father probably could have used this as yet another learning opportunity to show the girl how good she had it by first starting with, "I hear you, you think you are over-worked and you have no freedoms. Let's take a look at what adult life is like and what I do to work for our family in and out of the household. Would you like to trade roles? Let's look at other children who have no choice but to work in and out of the home (and their money goes to household bills). So really you should be very thankful of your life and stop focusing on what you do not like about it. The whole family has to work together to function. It is your role to help with responsibilities, such as putting away the dishes. That role helps me fulfill my role of preparing you for true responsibilities of living on your own." With this approach the daughter has less room to say that her father just does not listen; the tactic is showing them that you do understand what they are going through (let's face it we all went through a similar phase) and then explaining why you disagree with them.
This video also takes us back to the post on discipline vs punishment. I would say, since the father is trying to teach the child a hard life lesson, that shooting the laptop in this case is discipline. Yes, it probably could have been handled a little more respectfully by the father but there is nothing wrong with expecting your teen to work for some of their wants, or to work to help the family. In fact, I think these life lessons should start in the early years within the constraints of what a child can handle developmentally.
What are your thoughts on this?
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