The appropriateness of time out with toddlers

As infants develop independence and grow into toddlerhood they naturally test boundaries, limits and often choose to ignore adult requests. When and how do you as a caregiver consistently stick to boundaries and limits with your toddler in the face of all that "defiance"?

Natural consequences often do not work in the heat of  opposition when a child is simply refusing to do as you ask. However, it can be a logical consequence to tell a child that they cannot do anything else until they follow through with what you've asked them to do, which is essentially time out. It is all about presentation though, and how you set it up.

I disagree with the standard way time out is used. It should not be a punishment, but it can be used as discipline (that is, to TEACH a child). In this sense it works well for out right defiance. The major difference in using it this way is that it does NOT go by the standard one minute of sitting for every year of age the child is. Here is an example of when and how it would be appropriate:

Adult: "Please put your cars back in the bucket they go in."

Child: does nothing or says "No"

Adult: "Put your cars where they go so nobody steps on them."

Child: still does nothing

Adult: "You can either put the cars away or you can sit until your ready."

Child: still does not comply

Adult: Takes child by the hand or gently picks up, depending on age, in a calm manner and firmly states, "You can sit until your ready to put the cars away. You will not do anything else until the cars are picked up." as they sit the child down in a designated spot away from distractions and attention.

*As the child gets up, if they do not go to pick up the cars then the adult takes them back and sits them down, repeating the above statement. If the child tries to get up again without complying the adult no longer speaks or makes eye contact but simply, calmly and gently leads them back to sit down. This continues for however long it takes for the child to put the cars away. THIS ONLY WORKS WHEN A CHILD UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU ARE ASKING OF THEM, YOU REMAIN CALM AND DO NOT GIVE ATTENTION UNTIL THE CHILD COMPLIES. BE CONSISTENT AND FOLLOW THROUGH EVERY TIME!

Natural and Logical Consequences

Natural and logical consequences are the best route to use because they are directly linked to the behavior you are waning to stop from being repeated. 

Natural consequences do NOT require you to step in to reinforce why a behavior should not happen. They are naturally provided by the environment. An example of this would be if you tell a child that the stove is hot ("no touching, it's hot) and the child touches it anyways. The hurt of being burned would be a natural consequence. Obviously this is not something you want but this does teach, and often times better than any consequence the adult could think up.  Another logical consequence would be if you told a child to pick up a toy. They did not listen and the toy is stepped on, breaking it. The toy being broken on accident would be the natural consequence. 

Logical consequences are facilitated by the caregiver and are directly connected to the behavior. For instance, if a child colors on the furniture or wall a logical consequence would be to have them clean it.   

What other natural and logical consequences can you think of? 

Toddler Hitting

http://youtu.be/bs8Ji1CsSEg

I hate to advertise for free, at least when I do not feel strongly about a company deserving it. Please know that I am NOT advertising for this company! I felt that the parenting information given in this video was vague so I thought finish the job for pampers.

First, I am curious about the title. Why does it give the impression that hitting is just a boy behavior? It is not, and, yes, hititng is a typical phase that toddlers go through. This phase usually starts as the infant gains more ability to get around physically and be more social (the telltale signs that toddlerhood has begun!).  Refer back to the "toddler creed" post. Given toddlers egocentricism and lack of experience in the social world it is no doubt that this is typical development. So what do you do as a parent when your toddler hits another child?

Conflict resolution strategies are the best way to teach your child socially acceptable behavior in the heat of the moment. Your demeanor, tone and reaction (basically, all the nonverbal cues) are all key in the process. Keep in mind that your toddler is not hitting because they are trying to be mean, hurtful or because they are bad. They simply do not know better yet, which is where conflict resolution comes in.

Conflict resolution has taken a large role in early childhood classrooms with many prescribed methods being researched, refined and facilitated. Rarely does the research let parents know how to use the strategies. Even rarer yet, does research look at how to use the methods with very young children. Here is a quick break down of how it looks in a hitting situation:

1. Approach the situation calmly. Gently stop the hurtful behavior if it is still happening. This can usually be done by simply putting your body in the way while you in the process of step 2.
2. Get on the child's level. Acknowledge the hurt child first. "Ouch. I saw that. You were hit."
3. In a firm, disappointed voice tell the "aggressor" that the hitting is unacceptable, making sure to point out the reaction/hurt the other child experienced. "No hitting. Do you see their face? Look, they are sad/hurt because you hit them." Depending on the other child you could have them tell the "aggressor "no", "hurts", etc.  How can you make them happy again?"
4. Help the "aggressor" by suggesting hugs, soft touches, or an apology (if they have the language for that). Do NOT force the child to say sorry or give a hug. Help them help the hurt child until the hurt child is feeling better (feelings in toddlerhood moves quickly so it should not take too long!), this may be a hug but it may also be finding a toy. The goal is to teach the child how to problem solve to find a solution that will work - in the adult world "sorry" doesn't always cut it and we usually prefer the creative apologies.
5. If you know what the root of the hitting was, such as wanting to gain access to a toy, help the child(ren) solve that problem. "I see you were wanting that toy in their hand. Hitting is not how we get it. You can ask for a turn (help the child with this) or we can go look for another toy."
6. Use the strategy every time. Consistency is necessity!

Conflict resolution strategies take some getting use to but the more you go through the steps with your toddler the better you will both become!!!

Also, keep in mind that these steps are flexible as the child develops and needs less facilitation.


IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MORE SPECIFIC INFORMATION ON THIS TOPIC DROP A COMMENT - THIS IS MY AREA OF EXPERTISE!

Teens and Toddlers - Dad shoots laptop

http://youtu.be/HGxY_F9waAU

This video brings up a good question of when you should teach children life lessons such as working for what you have and respect for yourself and others. The simple answer is - as soon as they start asserting independence, which is typical in the toddler stage. I often say that the adolescent stage is toddlerhood revisited, only with more verbiage!

When parents have realistic expectations and freedoms/ways to assert independence, within firm boundaries, from the beginning there is a higher likelihood that the teen years will be less of a power struggle because they have already had years of proof that their parents will allow them independence inside certain boundaries. How do you know what realistic expectations are? A good place to start is understanding typical development (look at the pages under each area of development on this site for children under three) and then knowing your child. For instance, most one year olds can help put away toys they brought out by placing them a couple toys in a bucket or bin when asked. It would be a realistic expectation for you to have your child do this at certain points of the day. When the child asserts independence and says no (this will most likely take place around two years-old), you have to stick with the boundary and expectation that it is their responsibility. Use words such as respect and responsibility. This will add to their growing sense of vocabulary.

I think it is also important to try to empathize with the child, of any age, when asserting a boundary with discipline. In continuation of the above statement this would involve firmly telling the child, "It is your responsibility to clean up what you were working on. I see that you don't want to, but you will not be able to do anything else until you help clean up." Then follow through with that statement, even if that means sitting them down (gently without giving an emotional response - this is highly important) in one area over and over again until they do as you have asked. The statement validates their feelings but also let's them know that they still have to do what is expected.

With the video example I think the father could have done a better job at coming at this with empathy and explanation, trying to validate some feelings his daughter has. You can get way further with children when they know that they have been understood. Just because you validate their feelings does not mean that you are giving into them and letting them have their way. There is a balance! The father probably could have used this as yet another learning opportunity to show the girl how good she had it by first starting with, "I hear you, you think you are over-worked and you have no freedoms. Let's take a look at what adult life is like and what I do to work for our family in and out of the household. Would you like to trade roles? Let's look at other children who have no choice but to work in and out of the home (and their money goes to household bills). So really you should be very thankful of your life and stop focusing on what you do not like about it. The whole family has to work together to function. It is your role to help with responsibilities, such as putting away the dishes. That role helps me fulfill my role of preparing you for true responsibilities of living on your own." With this approach the daughter has less room to say that her father just does not listen; the tactic is showing them that you do understand what they are going through (let's face it we all went through a similar phase) and then explaining why you disagree with them.

This video also takes us back to the post on discipline vs punishment. I would say, since the father is trying to teach the child a hard life lesson, that shooting the laptop in this case is discipline. Yes, it probably could have been handled a little more respectfully by the father but there is nothing wrong with expecting your teen to work for some of their wants, or to work to help the family. In fact, I think these life lessons should start in the early years within the constraints of what a child can handle developmentally.

What are your thoughts on this?

Discipline VS Punishment

Today a three year old was very curious about my cup of coffee. We had a drawn out conversation about how the coffee smelled, it's temperature, how it tasted, what it looked like, and why I had a lid on the cup (so it did't all spill out). Curious how this all worked the little guy said, "Pour it on the floor with the lid on." I explained that the lid only worked to keep the majority of the coffee from spilling but if I put the cup upside down it would still spill out a little bit. He still insisted that I put the cup upside down. I then explained that it would be disrespectful to our building if I intentionally poured coffee on the floor. "Who would punish you?", he asked. This made me extremely sad. What happens when he feels like no one is watching or that he might not be punished? What about doing what is right because it is right? When does our moral compass begin to develop? All of this made me realize that parents (and unfortunately teachers) may not understand the difference between punishment and discipline and the actual effects these differences might have on a child's moral development, never mind the effects it can have on other areas of development.

Punishment reprimands for an unwanted behavior. Let's take the adult behavior of inattentive driving which leads to a car accident. The tickets, fines, time wasted, increase in the insurance premium and everything that goes with "paying back your debt to society" is a punishment. It goes no further than simply providing you with negative consequence for your behavior; this, in theory, tells you that the precursor behavior (the car accident) is unacceptable. Discipline on the other hand goes a step further than punishment. It teaches a replacement behavior. Take our example, discipline could be viewed as the "driving class" you can opt into in order to lessen the charge. This class, at least supposedly, offers lessons in driving skills that could teach you a new skill set for driving in a safer manner.

In parenting, punishment tends to be reactionary. It tends to immediately follow an unwanted behavior out of anger, frustration or both. How can the focus be on teaching a new behavior under this prescription? Besides that, children live for attention. Good or bad, they want your attention! More often than not when we punish we are giving a reaction to a behavior in such a way that the child actually continues the behavior instead of stopping it. Punishment often leads to children who follow rules as long as someone is watching. This is because children are smart; "if I do X, mom sees, then Y happens. I do not like Y. If I do X and mom does not see, nothing happens."When we discipline we are actually taking the opportunity to teach a child a better or different way. There are still consequences, but the consequences tend to be given with love and patience and link to the behavior in a logical manner. Discipline tends to lead children to having internal motivation to do the "right thing".

For instance, a child hits a sibling when they want the toy the sibling has. Punishment would elicit the parent shouting or even stating, "no that's not nice" and making the child leave the area. Discipline would go further with the previous statement, "Hitting is not okay. It hurts. Look at their face; they're sad because you hit them. I'm disappointed in you as well." (this teaches the child the effect their behavior has on others). You could even use this opportunity to prompt the sibling in what to say when they are hit - "Tell your brother/sister how it makes you feel when they hit you." Then you ask the child how else they could get what they want. Depending on the age, development, etc. they may or may not respond. Start at their level and prompt them, based on their ability, to ask for the toy (baby signs work well for nonverbal kiddos). Have the child actually do this, even if it is with your help. The sibling would mostly likely tell them "no"at this point when the asked because they are still upset about being hit. Respect that and explain that to the "hitter". Even if melt down world war three ensues, do not let the child have the toy if the sibling says "no" when asked. Either way your child is being shown a replacement behavior for hitting based on the goals the child originally had. With very young children you will have to "teach them the lesson" (whatever it may be) lots and lots and LOTS of times. It will pay off in the long run!

For those who are interest you can look into Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. If you do look into this and have questions or further comments on moral development please share them here!!!