Toddler Hitting

http://youtu.be/bs8Ji1CsSEg

I hate to advertise for free, at least when I do not feel strongly about a company deserving it. Please know that I am NOT advertising for this company! I felt that the parenting information given in this video was vague so I thought finish the job for pampers.

First, I am curious about the title. Why does it give the impression that hitting is just a boy behavior? It is not, and, yes, hititng is a typical phase that toddlers go through. This phase usually starts as the infant gains more ability to get around physically and be more social (the telltale signs that toddlerhood has begun!).  Refer back to the "toddler creed" post. Given toddlers egocentricism and lack of experience in the social world it is no doubt that this is typical development. So what do you do as a parent when your toddler hits another child?

Conflict resolution strategies are the best way to teach your child socially acceptable behavior in the heat of the moment. Your demeanor, tone and reaction (basically, all the nonverbal cues) are all key in the process. Keep in mind that your toddler is not hitting because they are trying to be mean, hurtful or because they are bad. They simply do not know better yet, which is where conflict resolution comes in.

Conflict resolution has taken a large role in early childhood classrooms with many prescribed methods being researched, refined and facilitated. Rarely does the research let parents know how to use the strategies. Even rarer yet, does research look at how to use the methods with very young children. Here is a quick break down of how it looks in a hitting situation:

1. Approach the situation calmly. Gently stop the hurtful behavior if it is still happening. This can usually be done by simply putting your body in the way while you in the process of step 2.
2. Get on the child's level. Acknowledge the hurt child first. "Ouch. I saw that. You were hit."
3. In a firm, disappointed voice tell the "aggressor" that the hitting is unacceptable, making sure to point out the reaction/hurt the other child experienced. "No hitting. Do you see their face? Look, they are sad/hurt because you hit them." Depending on the other child you could have them tell the "aggressor "no", "hurts", etc.  How can you make them happy again?"
4. Help the "aggressor" by suggesting hugs, soft touches, or an apology (if they have the language for that). Do NOT force the child to say sorry or give a hug. Help them help the hurt child until the hurt child is feeling better (feelings in toddlerhood moves quickly so it should not take too long!), this may be a hug but it may also be finding a toy. The goal is to teach the child how to problem solve to find a solution that will work - in the adult world "sorry" doesn't always cut it and we usually prefer the creative apologies.
5. If you know what the root of the hitting was, such as wanting to gain access to a toy, help the child(ren) solve that problem. "I see you were wanting that toy in their hand. Hitting is not how we get it. You can ask for a turn (help the child with this) or we can go look for another toy."
6. Use the strategy every time. Consistency is necessity!

Conflict resolution strategies take some getting use to but the more you go through the steps with your toddler the better you will both become!!!

Also, keep in mind that these steps are flexible as the child develops and needs less facilitation.


IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MORE SPECIFIC INFORMATION ON THIS TOPIC DROP A COMMENT - THIS IS MY AREA OF EXPERTISE!

Teens and Toddlers - Dad shoots laptop

http://youtu.be/HGxY_F9waAU

This video brings up a good question of when you should teach children life lessons such as working for what you have and respect for yourself and others. The simple answer is - as soon as they start asserting independence, which is typical in the toddler stage. I often say that the adolescent stage is toddlerhood revisited, only with more verbiage!

When parents have realistic expectations and freedoms/ways to assert independence, within firm boundaries, from the beginning there is a higher likelihood that the teen years will be less of a power struggle because they have already had years of proof that their parents will allow them independence inside certain boundaries. How do you know what realistic expectations are? A good place to start is understanding typical development (look at the pages under each area of development on this site for children under three) and then knowing your child. For instance, most one year olds can help put away toys they brought out by placing them a couple toys in a bucket or bin when asked. It would be a realistic expectation for you to have your child do this at certain points of the day. When the child asserts independence and says no (this will most likely take place around two years-old), you have to stick with the boundary and expectation that it is their responsibility. Use words such as respect and responsibility. This will add to their growing sense of vocabulary.

I think it is also important to try to empathize with the child, of any age, when asserting a boundary with discipline. In continuation of the above statement this would involve firmly telling the child, "It is your responsibility to clean up what you were working on. I see that you don't want to, but you will not be able to do anything else until you help clean up." Then follow through with that statement, even if that means sitting them down (gently without giving an emotional response - this is highly important) in one area over and over again until they do as you have asked. The statement validates their feelings but also let's them know that they still have to do what is expected.

With the video example I think the father could have done a better job at coming at this with empathy and explanation, trying to validate some feelings his daughter has. You can get way further with children when they know that they have been understood. Just because you validate their feelings does not mean that you are giving into them and letting them have their way. There is a balance! The father probably could have used this as yet another learning opportunity to show the girl how good she had it by first starting with, "I hear you, you think you are over-worked and you have no freedoms. Let's take a look at what adult life is like and what I do to work for our family in and out of the household. Would you like to trade roles? Let's look at other children who have no choice but to work in and out of the home (and their money goes to household bills). So really you should be very thankful of your life and stop focusing on what you do not like about it. The whole family has to work together to function. It is your role to help with responsibilities, such as putting away the dishes. That role helps me fulfill my role of preparing you for true responsibilities of living on your own." With this approach the daughter has less room to say that her father just does not listen; the tactic is showing them that you do understand what they are going through (let's face it we all went through a similar phase) and then explaining why you disagree with them.

This video also takes us back to the post on discipline vs punishment. I would say, since the father is trying to teach the child a hard life lesson, that shooting the laptop in this case is discipline. Yes, it probably could have been handled a little more respectfully by the father but there is nothing wrong with expecting your teen to work for some of their wants, or to work to help the family. In fact, I think these life lessons should start in the early years within the constraints of what a child can handle developmentally.

What are your thoughts on this?

The Importance of Play

I have alluded to the fact that play IS the WORK of children. Children function at a higher level during play than they do during times when there are constraints on their work. Real learning, learning that is meaningful and life-long, takes place IN play. Your job, as your child's first educator, is setting up valuable experiences where they can play. Many, many quick ways of doing just that are in other posts (more will come too!), but what is truly beautiful is when child and adult are able to play together in such a way that innovation takes place. Play is essential for all ages. Think of it this way:

"Employers take note: one of the first casualties of an overly authoritarian workplace is creativity and its byproduct, innovation. You're not going to venture a breakthrough idea if you know you'll be ignored or you won't get the credit for it or, for that matter, if your bladder is bursting. Which is why the most dynamic enterprises of recent years have been the dot-coms and other hi-tech companies where dress codes and punch-in times are often abandoned for a freewheeling, less hierarchical corporate culture." The google company is an admirable example of this (and no, they are not paying me!).   

Get out of your comfort zone and play - do not worry about how it looks, what others would think, or if it is "right"- simply go by how it feels! 

This also relates to the post on discipline vs punishment, and both post on empathy. Check them out and as you ponder these thoughts in how children's world relates to adults' post any and all comments on the main page.