Do American parents focus too much on intelligence?

The link below is a brief article discussing research that finds American parents are very different than other parents around the world, even when compared to other modern/western parents. In particular the research looks at the primary focus of parents.

The findings did not surprise me from an educator standpoint. I often had to reassure parents that through play and social interactions children were building the foundation for math, science, reading, writing, etc. PLUS they were gaining a very different type of intelligence than what we typically think if as intelligence - Social-Emotional Intelligence. This type of intelligence, in my humble opinion, is severely needed and sadly lacking in our society currently. Who cares if you are a math whiz if you cannot function with others and/or manage your emotions?


I am VERY curious to hear your thoughts on this! Please post below.


http://www.slate.com/blogs/how_babies_work/2013/04/10/parental_ethnotheories_and_how_parents_in_america_differ_from_parents_everywhere.html

VERY Moving Video

This video makes me tear up every time I watch it. This is why I do what I do and believe what I believe folks!

http://youtu.be/GbSp88PBe9E

Toddler Hitting

http://youtu.be/bs8Ji1CsSEg

I hate to advertise for free, at least when I do not feel strongly about a company deserving it. Please know that I am NOT advertising for this company! I felt that the parenting information given in this video was vague so I thought finish the job for pampers.

First, I am curious about the title. Why does it give the impression that hitting is just a boy behavior? It is not, and, yes, hititng is a typical phase that toddlers go through. This phase usually starts as the infant gains more ability to get around physically and be more social (the telltale signs that toddlerhood has begun!).  Refer back to the "toddler creed" post. Given toddlers egocentricism and lack of experience in the social world it is no doubt that this is typical development. So what do you do as a parent when your toddler hits another child?

Conflict resolution strategies are the best way to teach your child socially acceptable behavior in the heat of the moment. Your demeanor, tone and reaction (basically, all the nonverbal cues) are all key in the process. Keep in mind that your toddler is not hitting because they are trying to be mean, hurtful or because they are bad. They simply do not know better yet, which is where conflict resolution comes in.

Conflict resolution has taken a large role in early childhood classrooms with many prescribed methods being researched, refined and facilitated. Rarely does the research let parents know how to use the strategies. Even rarer yet, does research look at how to use the methods with very young children. Here is a quick break down of how it looks in a hitting situation:

1. Approach the situation calmly. Gently stop the hurtful behavior if it is still happening. This can usually be done by simply putting your body in the way while you in the process of step 2.
2. Get on the child's level. Acknowledge the hurt child first. "Ouch. I saw that. You were hit."
3. In a firm, disappointed voice tell the "aggressor" that the hitting is unacceptable, making sure to point out the reaction/hurt the other child experienced. "No hitting. Do you see their face? Look, they are sad/hurt because you hit them." Depending on the other child you could have them tell the "aggressor "no", "hurts", etc.  How can you make them happy again?"
4. Help the "aggressor" by suggesting hugs, soft touches, or an apology (if they have the language for that). Do NOT force the child to say sorry or give a hug. Help them help the hurt child until the hurt child is feeling better (feelings in toddlerhood moves quickly so it should not take too long!), this may be a hug but it may also be finding a toy. The goal is to teach the child how to problem solve to find a solution that will work - in the adult world "sorry" doesn't always cut it and we usually prefer the creative apologies.
5. If you know what the root of the hitting was, such as wanting to gain access to a toy, help the child(ren) solve that problem. "I see you were wanting that toy in their hand. Hitting is not how we get it. You can ask for a turn (help the child with this) or we can go look for another toy."
6. Use the strategy every time. Consistency is necessity!

Conflict resolution strategies take some getting use to but the more you go through the steps with your toddler the better you will both become!!!

Also, keep in mind that these steps are flexible as the child develops and needs less facilitation.


IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MORE SPECIFIC INFORMATION ON THIS TOPIC DROP A COMMENT - THIS IS MY AREA OF EXPERTISE!

Discipline VS Punishment

Today a three year old was very curious about my cup of coffee. We had a drawn out conversation about how the coffee smelled, it's temperature, how it tasted, what it looked like, and why I had a lid on the cup (so it did't all spill out). Curious how this all worked the little guy said, "Pour it on the floor with the lid on." I explained that the lid only worked to keep the majority of the coffee from spilling but if I put the cup upside down it would still spill out a little bit. He still insisted that I put the cup upside down. I then explained that it would be disrespectful to our building if I intentionally poured coffee on the floor. "Who would punish you?", he asked. This made me extremely sad. What happens when he feels like no one is watching or that he might not be punished? What about doing what is right because it is right? When does our moral compass begin to develop? All of this made me realize that parents (and unfortunately teachers) may not understand the difference between punishment and discipline and the actual effects these differences might have on a child's moral development, never mind the effects it can have on other areas of development.

Punishment reprimands for an unwanted behavior. Let's take the adult behavior of inattentive driving which leads to a car accident. The tickets, fines, time wasted, increase in the insurance premium and everything that goes with "paying back your debt to society" is a punishment. It goes no further than simply providing you with negative consequence for your behavior; this, in theory, tells you that the precursor behavior (the car accident) is unacceptable. Discipline on the other hand goes a step further than punishment. It teaches a replacement behavior. Take our example, discipline could be viewed as the "driving class" you can opt into in order to lessen the charge. This class, at least supposedly, offers lessons in driving skills that could teach you a new skill set for driving in a safer manner.

In parenting, punishment tends to be reactionary. It tends to immediately follow an unwanted behavior out of anger, frustration or both. How can the focus be on teaching a new behavior under this prescription? Besides that, children live for attention. Good or bad, they want your attention! More often than not when we punish we are giving a reaction to a behavior in such a way that the child actually continues the behavior instead of stopping it. Punishment often leads to children who follow rules as long as someone is watching. This is because children are smart; "if I do X, mom sees, then Y happens. I do not like Y. If I do X and mom does not see, nothing happens."When we discipline we are actually taking the opportunity to teach a child a better or different way. There are still consequences, but the consequences tend to be given with love and patience and link to the behavior in a logical manner. Discipline tends to lead children to having internal motivation to do the "right thing".

For instance, a child hits a sibling when they want the toy the sibling has. Punishment would elicit the parent shouting or even stating, "no that's not nice" and making the child leave the area. Discipline would go further with the previous statement, "Hitting is not okay. It hurts. Look at their face; they're sad because you hit them. I'm disappointed in you as well." (this teaches the child the effect their behavior has on others). You could even use this opportunity to prompt the sibling in what to say when they are hit - "Tell your brother/sister how it makes you feel when they hit you." Then you ask the child how else they could get what they want. Depending on the age, development, etc. they may or may not respond. Start at their level and prompt them, based on their ability, to ask for the toy (baby signs work well for nonverbal kiddos). Have the child actually do this, even if it is with your help. The sibling would mostly likely tell them "no"at this point when the asked because they are still upset about being hit. Respect that and explain that to the "hitter". Even if melt down world war three ensues, do not let the child have the toy if the sibling says "no" when asked. Either way your child is being shown a replacement behavior for hitting based on the goals the child originally had. With very young children you will have to "teach them the lesson" (whatever it may be) lots and lots and LOTS of times. It will pay off in the long run!

For those who are interest you can look into Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. If you do look into this and have questions or further comments on moral development please share them here!!!

Discussion on tantrum throwing in public

http://youtu.be/H8pTmuDLwbY

http://youtu.be/LDy8YU-nigc

http://youtu.be/W756K2maKJ0

Tantrum's are always bad enough but when you add the element of being in public parents often feel humiliated and clueless. So what is the best strategy to use when this happens? What circumstances have caused your child to throw a tantrum in public? I would like to open these videos up for discussion! 

NOTE: The author does not in any way condone the videotaping of others in public for the purpose of posting it to youtube for ridicule. This type of behavior only furthers parents humility when their child melts down (and FYI this happens to ALL parents at one time or another!). When parents feel extreme stress over the situation they are less likely to act appropriately to change their child's behavior in a lasting, positive manner. 

Giving Toddlers "Jobs"

In my last post, "The Toddler Creed...", I mentioned that you can help ease challenging behavior that your toddler may be expressing by giving them tasks. This video is a great example of how to engage your child in a tasks that revolves around the families daily life. The more you allow your child to do that is with in their capabilities, the less they feel the need to control or gain power over because they already feel like they have power in their world.

http://youtu.be/xbYBaj9H-Eg

"The Toddler Creed" and ways to DEAL with it!

If I want it,
IT'S MINE!

If I give it to you and change my mind later,
IT'S MINE!

If I can take it away from you,
IT'S MINE!

If it's mine it will never belong to anybody else,
No matter what.
If we are building something together,
All the pieces are mine!

If it looks just like mine,
IT'S MINE!






Toddlers are VERY egocentric beings; they do not have the capacity to understand another's perspective (i.e. that someone else might want that toy). To help with this specific problem look at the post about EMPATHY. Taking the time to talk with you toddler about other's needs/wants goes along way! 


Being egocentric trickles into other behavior problems that are typically associated with toddlers, such as temper tantrums and refusing to do as you ask. This is because part of being an egocentric toddler is learning that you have control over your environment. That's right folks, it is actually -  developmentally speaking -  your toddler's job to behave in those less than desirable ways! Here are some simple ways to ease your life and your toddlers: 

• Be consistent - 
•  If you say no, you have to ALWAYS mean no. 
• Also, be consistent in how you enforce requests. 
• Offer a choice - 
• Make sure you are okay with either option 
• This gives your child a sense of control without you losing it!
• Try not to interrupt your child's play - 
• If you have to, give a warning first 
• Wait a few moments before you repeat a request 
• Remind your child of your expectations BEFORE  - 
• "We are going into the store. We are only buying what is on the list. I expect for you to use an inside voice while you help me find these items." 
• Give your child a job or task 
• This creates a sense of accomplishment and a sense of belonging 
• See above example
• Expect less self-control during stressful times 
• Close to nap, meals, going to the doctor, moving, etc. 

Empathy beginnings in infancy

With many theorist proposing different views on when a child's empathy begins to emerge what can you do from the very beginning to set the foundation of prosocial skills? The answers may surprise you, as they are behaviors that most parents find naturally. If you ever feel uncertain as a parent look at this list to remember all the great ways you are giving your child the best start possible.

• Met your infant's needs. Figure out your young infants natural routine and rhythm; when is she or he usually hungry, tired, playful, etc.? Begin to anticipate when your infant will need what to prevent stress for you AND your infant! This allows you to meet needs before your infant vocalizes (i.e. cries) a need. It also lays the foundation for trust. The key to your infant gaining trust, which I theorize plays an important role in a child's later prosocial behaviors such as empathy,  is "sensitive, responsive, consistent caregiving" (Eric Erikson). When you care for your infant you are essentially teaching them how to care for others, which includes the ability to empathize. 
• Spend time holding, snuggling, smiling and playing with your infant. Again, this is easy! As a parent you enjoy this and it typically comes natural. This directly connects with the previous statements about meeting your child's needs. It is another way that you are directly teaching your infant how to show care for others. 
• Talk to your infant. For more on this you can look at the earlier post and video regarding an infant's language development. Talking through routine care not only promotes language development but it can also add another layer of how your infant feels secure and has trust in his or her's environment. Try talking specifically about emotions. For instance, when your infant is upset, say, because a loud noise started them awake: hold them close and provide physical comfort as you speak calmly about the situation. "Oh, that noise scarred you. I know, your upset about being woke up. I'm here; your safe." In doing this you are empathizing with your infant, which, once again, is teaching them how to do so later in life. This is the one that some parents feel less natural with. Talking to an infant can be difficult because they do not speak back and we assume they do not understand us. To help with this, try looking for the ways your infant does "speak" in response. 

Empathy

Empathy, the ability to put oneself in another's place and feel as that person would be expected to feel in the particular situation, has been highly researched by child psychologists and developmental theorists. This ability is thought to emerge during the second year by some theorist. Others have viewed it as "a innate potential", such as learning language, as it is linked to social cognition. Social cognition is the cognitive ability to understand that others have mental states. This lends to the ability to gauge feelings and intentions, which can lead to empathy. When prosocial behaviors, such as turn-taking, giving items back when taken from others, giving "gentle" touches, etc., are promoted then empathy can be seen in the toddler years when children are typically viewed as more egocentric and less aware of others intentions/feelings.

To promote these types of behaviors first remember that your toddler is not "bad" when they are taking items, hitting, etc. Stay calm when reacting to these types of behaviors. Simply state how the other person is feeling when your child behaves in an "unsocial" manner  and gently show your child how to appropriately correct the situation. Remember that behaving in a socially accepted manner is a new skill for your child, just like learning to talk or write, so you have to be patient and teach them what is acceptable behavior. It helps if you teach through empathizing with your child!

 For example, your toddler is at a playground and takes an item from another child. Calmly walk over to your child, get on his or her's eye level and state something to the affect (use wording you are comfortable with as children can easily see through you if you appear unnatural!) "Oh, I saw you take that from them. (appear as sad and disappointed as possible, but not angry) Look at their face. Do you see how sad they are? I can see they are frowning and crying. They are sad because you took that toy from them. What could you do to help them feel better?" Your child will mostly not know how to respond at first but as you go through situations like this over and over again they will become comfortable in correcting their own social problems. "Give the toy back to them. That will make them happy again." You may have to encourage this a lot at first (this takes LOTS of patience...hang in there!). After your child gives the toy back follow up with a redirection, such as showing them how to find a similar item or how to ask for a turn. This can be done with very young toddlers with the right patience.

Please share your recent situations/frustrations regarding social situations you have been in with your young child. We can discuss how to best approach specific social situations to encourage empathy and other prosocial behaviors.