Today a three year old was very curious about my cup of coffee. We had a drawn out conversation about how the coffee smelled, it's temperature, how it tasted, what it looked like, and why I had a lid on the cup (so it did't all spill out). Curious how this all worked the little guy said, "Pour it on the floor with the lid on." I explained that the lid only worked to keep the majority of the coffee from spilling but if I put the cup upside down it would still spill out a little bit. He still insisted that I put the cup upside down. I then explained that it would be disrespectful to our building if I intentionally poured coffee on the floor. "Who would punish you?", he asked. This made me extremely sad. What happens when he feels like no one is watching or that he might not be punished? What about doing what is right because it is right? When does our moral compass begin to develop? All of this made me realize that parents (and unfortunately teachers) may not understand the difference between punishment and discipline and the actual effects these differences might have on a child's moral development, never mind the effects it can have on other areas of development.
Punishment reprimands for an unwanted behavior. Let's take the adult behavior of inattentive driving which leads to a car accident. The tickets, fines, time wasted, increase in the insurance premium and everything that goes with "paying back your debt to society" is a punishment. It goes no further than simply providing you with negative consequence for your behavior; this, in theory, tells you that the precursor behavior (the car accident) is unacceptable. Discipline on the other hand goes a step further than punishment. It teaches a replacement behavior. Take our example, discipline could be viewed as the "driving class" you can opt into in order to lessen the charge. This class, at least supposedly, offers lessons in driving skills that could teach you a new skill set for driving in a safer manner.
In parenting, punishment tends to be reactionary. It tends to immediately follow an unwanted behavior out of anger, frustration or both. How can the focus be on teaching a new behavior under this prescription? Besides that, children live for attention. Good or bad, they want your attention! More often than not when we punish we are giving a reaction to a behavior in such a way that the child actually continues the behavior instead of stopping it. Punishment often leads to children who follow rules as long as someone is watching. This is because children are smart; "if I do X, mom sees, then Y happens. I do not like Y. If I do X and mom does not see, nothing happens."When we discipline we are actually taking the opportunity to teach a child a better or different way. There are still consequences, but the consequences tend to be given with love and patience and link to the behavior in a logical manner. Discipline tends to lead children to having internal motivation to do the "right thing".
For instance, a child hits a sibling when they want the toy the sibling has. Punishment would elicit the parent shouting or even stating, "no that's not nice" and making the child leave the area. Discipline would go further with the previous statement, "Hitting is not okay. It hurts. Look at their face; they're sad because you hit them. I'm disappointed in you as well." (this teaches the child the effect their behavior has on others). You could even use this opportunity to prompt the sibling in what to say when they are hit - "Tell your brother/sister how it makes you feel when they hit you." Then you ask the child how else they could get what they want. Depending on the age, development, etc. they may or may not respond. Start at their level and prompt them, based on their ability, to ask for the toy (baby signs work well for nonverbal kiddos). Have the child actually do this, even if it is with your help. The sibling would mostly likely tell them "no"at this point when the asked because they are still upset about being hit. Respect that and explain that to the "hitter". Even if melt down world war three ensues, do not let the child have the toy if the sibling says "no" when asked. Either way your child is being shown a replacement behavior for hitting based on the goals the child originally had. With very young children you will have to "teach them the lesson" (whatever it may be) lots and lots and LOTS of times. It will pay off in the long run!
For those who are interest you can look into Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. If you do look into this and have questions or further comments on moral development please share them here!!!
Punishment reprimands for an unwanted behavior. Let's take the adult behavior of inattentive driving which leads to a car accident. The tickets, fines, time wasted, increase in the insurance premium and everything that goes with "paying back your debt to society" is a punishment. It goes no further than simply providing you with negative consequence for your behavior; this, in theory, tells you that the precursor behavior (the car accident) is unacceptable. Discipline on the other hand goes a step further than punishment. It teaches a replacement behavior. Take our example, discipline could be viewed as the "driving class" you can opt into in order to lessen the charge. This class, at least supposedly, offers lessons in driving skills that could teach you a new skill set for driving in a safer manner.
In parenting, punishment tends to be reactionary. It tends to immediately follow an unwanted behavior out of anger, frustration or both. How can the focus be on teaching a new behavior under this prescription? Besides that, children live for attention. Good or bad, they want your attention! More often than not when we punish we are giving a reaction to a behavior in such a way that the child actually continues the behavior instead of stopping it. Punishment often leads to children who follow rules as long as someone is watching. This is because children are smart; "if I do X, mom sees, then Y happens. I do not like Y. If I do X and mom does not see, nothing happens."When we discipline we are actually taking the opportunity to teach a child a better or different way. There are still consequences, but the consequences tend to be given with love and patience and link to the behavior in a logical manner. Discipline tends to lead children to having internal motivation to do the "right thing".
For instance, a child hits a sibling when they want the toy the sibling has. Punishment would elicit the parent shouting or even stating, "no that's not nice" and making the child leave the area. Discipline would go further with the previous statement, "Hitting is not okay. It hurts. Look at their face; they're sad because you hit them. I'm disappointed in you as well." (this teaches the child the effect their behavior has on others). You could even use this opportunity to prompt the sibling in what to say when they are hit - "Tell your brother/sister how it makes you feel when they hit you." Then you ask the child how else they could get what they want. Depending on the age, development, etc. they may or may not respond. Start at their level and prompt them, based on their ability, to ask for the toy (baby signs work well for nonverbal kiddos). Have the child actually do this, even if it is with your help. The sibling would mostly likely tell them "no"at this point when the asked because they are still upset about being hit. Respect that and explain that to the "hitter". Even if melt down world war three ensues, do not let the child have the toy if the sibling says "no" when asked. Either way your child is being shown a replacement behavior for hitting based on the goals the child originally had. With very young children you will have to "teach them the lesson" (whatever it may be) lots and lots and LOTS of times. It will pay off in the long run!
For those who are interest you can look into Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. If you do look into this and have questions or further comments on moral development please share them here!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment